Updated: Jul 12, 2021
Many years ago, when all my friends were getting married and having babies, I decided to buck the trend and busy myself with other things. I was too afraid to commit, too unsure of solidifying a future with someone FOREVER, too unaware of what I really wanted and needed in life, and very much uninterested in growing up and moving on to the next phase. I missed out on more than one potential happily ever after with a few amazing candidates, and I'm uncertain whether I'll ever quiet the relentless regret.
Fast forward a decade and a half when my sister said, "If you don't make a decision soon, the decision will be made for you," and she was right. If I wanted to become a mother, time wasn't going to wait and aging had no intention of slowing down.
I still hold those same anxieties I did years ago that caused me to run from opportunities, but I learned that unlike with other people, my gut doesn't always steer me in the right direction. No more room for regrets in life. I might always have my doubts, I might always have my fears, and I might always experience scary, heart-racing, depression and second-guessing. But this year, I'm moving forward...and many years after those missed opportunities, everything is ten times harder. Now my body is older. Now my path is alone. Now my timeline is urgent. But now is all I have. Maybe it'll prove a colossal mistake, maybe it'll result in unbelievable joy, or maybe it'll all be a ridiculous roller coaster...but at least I will have faced my demons head on. We often regret most the things we don't do, not the things we do. And to my unborn baby girl...I pray you are growing healthy and strong. I will meet you in 15 weeks. Mommy promises to do her best.